What she's really saying when she says no to sex...Married or serious relationship only
82No To Sex
I'm going to tackle one of the number one issues for men with women when it comes to sex. I have recently really come to understand the true differences between how men and women view sex. Men see sex as a need. They need it not just want it. It tells them that their wife or significant other really sees them as attractive and needs them. It is a way that they truly feel loved. However, women do not see sex the same way men do. So now I will tackle why your wife or significant other may say no to sex, and most of it has nothing to do with you.
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Why are they saying no?
Imagine you get into bed, you start kissing and trying to make a move. Then she says, "Not tonight hunny." You may feel rejected, like she doesn't want you. However, that may be the furthest from the truth. I'll use myself as an example of one reason why a woman may say no.
1) Energy and stress - I am a stay at home mom to two beautiful children that are both under 2 years of age. I wake up to kids, have them demanding my time all day long, especially with my daughter attached to my hip most of the day. I am cleaning constantly and my energy slowly slips to nothing. By the time my husband gets home, I am beyond exhausted and I always have a huge to do list that is running in my mind that is impossible to forget. The furthest thing from my mind is sex. I am looking forward to the kids in bed and me getting some personal time with my pillow. However, my husband may just want sex that night. I see his advances as something I have no energy to act upon. It has nothing to do with him, it is just that I am drained from that day and still have to do everything all over again the next day. Stress and energy seem to be one of the top reasons women say no.
2) Insecurities, Too much on the mind - Another reason, something may be bothering her. Is there something on her mind that is distracting her? Is she having issues with her self image? I know that after having two babies, my body and weight had completely changed. I was no longer the gal with the great body but I now had horrid stretch marks and almost 100 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant. I was terrified to show myself to my husband. It bothered me to a point that I tried my best to avoid sex even though I wanted it myself.
So what can you do to change this? When it comes to energy and stress, just as you need sex (well maybe not all men), a woman needs to talk about her feelings and what is bothering her. If energy is an issue, maybe pick up a little more at home. Yes you probably have a demanding job and are tired but most women would say, "I'm tired too!" Take out the trash, do some dishes. If you have kids, spend an hour with them so your wife can get her personal time, especially if she is a stay at home mom. Yes, those things can be a nuisance, but don't you think that doing the dishes and getting some good quality time with your kids would also be worth it if your getting more sex?
When it comes to a woman's insecurities, no matter what, she is going to feel insecure. It is how we are made. The best thing you can do is tell a woman and show her that you think she is beautiful. The more I feel beautiful, the more I am willing to do things.
Back to reasons...
3) Men and women are different when it comes to being ready - What does that mean exactly? Well, at a moments notice, a man can be ready. Wait, she mentioned sex? Let's go. Well, for women, that's not the case. My husband will start advancing but although I want it, I don't WANT it. I would love sex but I am just not ready to go. I can't just get ready to go right away. I need a little attention, a little pursuing, a little kissing. By a little I mean more than 10 minutes worth. I personally love to hear what my husband thinks about me. Think about what you did when you first started dating. You probably built up anticipation in her. Women still need that.
4) Problems - When I am talking about problems, there are a small percentage of women that do not feel satisfied when it is all done. Imagine starting but not finishing. Pretty hard to think about isn't it? Women who suffer from this start thinking, 'why start the race if I can't finish it'. If this is the case, maybe consult a sex expert or a doctor. Don't make her feel embarrassed about the situation. Let her know that you would like her to get help because you want HER to enjoy sex more and be satisfied.
5) Most women have a lower sex drive than men do - This is pretty well known but I did have to put that in there. Women like to be pursued and are unlikely to do the pursuing especially with a lower sex drive. So don't be afraid to give her attention and pursue her. Even if she pushes you away, she may just need a little more attention. However, you really need to listen to her. If she is over exhausted, she may really need the rest.
I hope this has helped a little to understand why your wife or significant other is saying no. It more than likely has nothing to do with you but rather with her. Just remember that there are exceptions to everything. If a woman is saying that all you ever want is sex, what she is saying is that she needs attention from you that doesn't lead to sex. That way she doesn't feel like the only reason you are giving her attention is to get sex from her.
For those wondering why I added 'married or serious relationship only', I wanted this to be geared toward those already in a relationship. Women's reasons for saying no to sex early on in a relationship are a lot different than those already in a serious relationship.
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really different hub read thanks
Good hub. I can accept your rationale. But is the man just supposed to wait? What is the female's interest or commitment to letting go of the stress and having a good romp? I expect that each of us, male or female, have occasionally lower sex drive, but almost non existent?
If a spouse, husband or wife, clings to their stress instead of intentionally nurturing their sexuality wouldn't that indicate a dependency on vocation to the detriment of interpersonal relations with their spouse?
I believe it's time more attention and vocalization be given to sexual relations as an ongoing regular activity between couples no matter what their age. When a couple goes months or even years without sexual intimacy you have to wonder. After all, all work and not play makes ... dull. Much of what I read seems to justify a woman's lack of sexual involvement under the guise of lower sex drive. Not in every culture. I think we're rationalizing an unhealthy attitude here without maintaining a healthy expectation for couples appreciating and exploring their sexuality no matter how mature they are. There's a lot to be enjoyed beyond our 30s and 40s and 50s, etc. To use an excuse that our stress and energy is the reason we're not interested can become a narcissistic obsession. We need to get over it, shed the 'inhibiting clothes of vocation', 'let our hair down', 'run in the sun', 'roll in the hay'....
Instead of the man doing the dishes and taking care of kids so the wife can be by herself, perhaps they should get a reliable friend or relative to take the kids for the day, let the chores wait, and abandon themselves to each other as they did those first passionate months of their personal relationship. Recreate and appreciate the private and personal domain of your home--or if desired go to a hotel, spa, or secluded camp. But, graciously enjoy each other's humanity, bodies, pleasures. After all it wasn't give for us to hide.
And after your mutual pleasures, rest--and later--even a day or two later--take care of the 'chores' together. My guess is they won't seem so much like chores then.
I can see where your coming from Doinwithout. However, there was a survey taken of women (I believe it was with about 3000 women) that showed that it was almost impossible for a majority of them to forget about their chores or stresses. Adding to why a man might do chores, it also shows most women that their man loves them, which most women need (not want) to be reminded of daily. If their man is willing to do some chores around the house or watch the kids a little, they must truly love them. That's how they think. Nothing is sexier than a man doing chores is what I have heard many times. The reason that is said is because in all honesty, it's true. My husband and I have been putting it to practice. Needless to say, we've been very active in our sexual life.
Also, in this, I did not say for the man to wait. I gave tips such as pursue her a bit more, give her some more attention, in other words, maybe some foreplay. Also talking about to her about her day or what's bothering her will help close those windows so that she no longer has them distracting her. If a man has the understanding of what might stop her from engaging in sex, he has the opportunity to fix it. There are things a woman can do, but that is a different hub entirely and one I am working on. However, the main intention of this post is to let men know why women are saying no and to let the know that it is more than likely not them. I don't want men wondering what is wrong with them when it probably has nothing to do with them.
Also, one of the more common things I see from the community of women that I chat with, is that there are no reliable friends or relatives around. I know that we are truly lucky to have family here. However, no friend, even one that I have known for years will watch my children. Even the best people can be the worst and I worry about my children's safety too much for that. Unfortunately our world has turned into a parent's worse nightmare. At least once a week or every other week, maybe just where I am at, but there is a story in the magazine about a child molestation case. It is every mother's worry. So with something as big as that on a mother's mind, it would be better for the kids to go to bed first. I know that it would ruin my night if we gave them to anyone but our close family.
"Men see sex as a need. They need it not just want it. It tells them that their wife or significant other really sees them as attractive and needs them. It is a way that they truly feel loved. "
This is quite a generalization. I think men should be willing to wait for their partners, and if a man's partner is insecure: is he really doing his job? Guys definitely need to understand that intimacy is what they desire. Sex is easy intimacy. If guys can find ways to be intimate with their partners in other ways than pushing for sex, their partners wouldn't be feeling insecure.
It seems like you are writing this to guys, furthering the idea in male minds that men need sex. It seems like you're saying, "Men, I know you need sex, but you just can't have it sometimes because women are different."
Well, I can tell you that most women feel insecure all the time even if her partner is doing the right thing. Most men do 'need' sex to feel loved. I do think that a man should be willing to wait but talking to other women, most of the time, they just want some more attention. However, some women would never give their partner sex because they don't see the need that men have for it. This is mostly written for men. There are always exceptions to everything but I would love to see a male say that a woman saying no to sex doesn't make them feel like she doesn't love them. Sex for most men does what emotional security does for women. Unfortunately, that is the way most men are wired (not all, but most) and there is nothing wrong with that. It is society that says that it's not okay for a man to need sex. However, I should make it a bit clearer on what I mean by sex. Not just sex in general but making love with their partner. Just sex does not have the same effect as making love does. Also, I was covering reasons why a woman doesn't want it. That does not include times that they are upset at them and so forth. Most of the women I talk to agree with what I have written. They want sex just as much as their partners do but these are reasons that are stopping them. Like I said though, there are exceptions to everything.
Great hub. I really liked how you stressed the difference between sex in an established relationship versus a new one. I appreciate your viewpoints and how you expressed them.
Why do you think society tells men they need sex? Couldn't this just be as simple as women have more deal with physically when it comes to sex, pregnancy, taking birth control? Also, sex is easy for men, it takes and average of four to five minutes for a male to orgasm and closer to twenty for women?
does that make sense?
I think society tells everyone that men DON'T need sex when naturally they do the same way that a woman needs to be told she's beautiful. Sex may be easier for men, yes, however, a woman is more likely to orgasm quicker if she's been warmed up more since most of it is mental. Yes women need stimulation too but they can mentally block it from happening. So women really need the right mindset. I don't know if I understand your entire comment though.
Men are satisfied by sex much easier than the woman. Man is penetrating, man is invading, man is ejaculating into woman. If men feel they need sex it becomes selfish. Men who believe they need it, are taking sex from their partner. I think it is odd. Men need sex and women need affection? I think affection should be more stressed when it comes to both sexes. I think a lot of men, struggle with how to be affectionate and feel that sex is the best way that they love and feel loved. And this shouldn't be. Society tells men they don't need affection, and don't need to be affectionate. Why do we continue to push this? What you said in #3 is right on. Men hear sex and they are "ready to go", within seconds. If men believe that they need sex, they are going to be less willing to wait until their partner is really ready. If the woman believes that their man needs sex, she will be more willing to start having sex before she is truly ready. It's a cycle, and a vicious one. I don't think the issue is even really about sex. Everyone loves sex when it is good. The issue is about love. Passionate and affectionate love that is more than sexual desire. Passion, affection and desire all must be part of sex. I think you can agree that women understand this. Most men understand the need for passion and desire, but need to find some affection. Affection is the team work part of sex. Desire are passion more individual. Because men understand sexual desire and passion better than affection, and women need to be affectionately stimulated before their passion and desire can be maximized, don't men have to be encouraged to be more affectionate and discouraged from their desire for sex at the exact moment they are ready?
does that make sense?
I guess you kind of answered that to doinwithout . . .
. . . and how does society tell men they don't need sex? Sex is everywhere. I worked as a caddy in sixth grade and the caddy master provided us porn magazines. Sex is everywhere in advertising, sex is everywhere on the internet.
I guess you kind of answered that to doinwithout . . .
mboosali - you don't get it do you - men and women are different. men don't sit around and talk about how they're feeling...they act.
good information, and I like how you gave the reasons. One of the articles I just wrote was on how a husband can seduce his wife in bed and I explained that women need mind sex just as much as sex in the bed room.
sadly i look at it like this once i have kids im screwed. after a few im working 10-12hours with 1 hours drive each way and i cant get any at home. not matter the seen i set with us alone. just denied at every turn even ones that used to be my major score.
Men are boys in man bodies. If they cant get it at home they will start looking elsewhere. When they find it they start a campaign to make you seem stupid, crazy or lazy so when they leave you they can take your kids with them to their new mate. This is 1/2 the reason for divorce... Because they see the wife as their employee who can be fired when she doesnt fulfill her job duties. Without that marriage certificate we are whores and our children basterds. Yeay marriage.
I think the whole article simply tries to justify some women's low sexual state. Sure, it's no fault of their own, that is true, but I don't think they need defending for that.
I hear this well, pick up the slack and work your ass off after a long day work. I have stayed at home with the kids before and it's not that hard really. I would trade it any day for my day job. If she is going to give you more sex because you do more chores, then she is using sex as a tool for reward. If she is giving you less when you do less, then that is used for punishment. Nothing in my mind would make me believe that someone could become more sexually attractive by doing more chores.
You suggest to give her a foot rub or massage (etc) and she might initiate it more. If the man does this, isn't he still really initiating it, just more subtly?
Bottom line from my experience, is that women are either sexual or their not. There are women with low sex drives, never initiate, and their are ones with high drives that just can't get enough of it. That is all it comes down to.
I have noticed in this piece and hundreds similar to it that stress is brought up as the reason and children. I wanna make two points: 1. Couples who like and value the sexual relationship they have at the beginning would do well to consider not having children. I chose this route personally and I do have an occassional regret that I consider normal, but overall I was always and remain more interested in my life than sacrificing it for a child. 2. My personal experimentation has shown me that almost all (90%)of fatigue and stress do not apply at these exact same moments when I hand her my credit card to go shopping. Email me at jburkh6174714@yahoo.com and explain that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmmmmm This hub has raised a few male eyebrows to put it mildly. As a widow after more than 40 years with my much loved husband, all I can say is that marriage is a two way partnership and if the couple truly love each other they will be prepared to meet each other half way. Yes the man is more quickly aroused but that does not automatically mean that women are more lowly sexed. Surely it is not beyond any man or woman in a serious relationship to have a short time of mutual endearments before moving on to physical love-making. I think sex for itself is a very different situation to sex between a man and woman who deeply love each other and there I think you have it..... and I feel that is why pageant girl pointed out she was talking to marrieds or serious relationships only. But then perhaps I'm an old fashioned lady.
I work long days, I come home tired, but I still help with the house chores for my stay at home wife. I endeavour to do all those things you recommend above. However she has decided we are having no sex. For how long who knows? It's been a couple months now, but it's not uncommon for me to go without for four months at a time. On the rare occasions we do she just lies there waiting for me to get it over with as soon as possible. So I guess that's that then. Ho hum.
What I feel is this is a story of a girl on what she wants.. Adding a section on what she should do by herself to make the sex life better would have been great..
It sounds like girls are how they are and the boys should do a bit extra to get her on..
nicely written !
Taking care of kids is not easy I know..I however recently have become a stay a home Dad. LiKE yourself I complete all the same duties you mention..and more..Im sure you don't go out and do major house repairs. I am a latin male married to a American woman.
My only advice to you is this.... You are the one that stays home..you should be the one that comes up with a plan to be more initiative with your husband. Your husband like every male species is a natural born hunter. If your husband is at work. I am sure he is looking at other woman some how. Like myself I tend to look at other women...because it's in our DNA...Your husband will put up with this for a while..but sooner or later, his other brain will think for him... For many years woman have been on the same team with other woman that have had their husbands go outside and play...The funny thing is they start asking WHY? Think of men and sex like being in a job you love or hate...If you love the job you will go above and beyond..If you hate it..you will cut corners, come in late and complain all the time...JUST A LITTLE ADVISE. It happens to me all the time with my wife
i tell my wife she is beautiful at least a dozen times a day.we both work but i still do far more of things around the house cook clean do luandry do dishes sweep and not just when im trying to get lucky. i do it every day.but my wife still thinks shes fat and unatrative.i have told her shes not fat and how much i find her sexy and beautiful.she still doesnt want to have sex. it makes me truely think i am the problum.
I have read this whole thread.
From what i gather Ladies are manipulating in the sense that, with help around the house we get sex or more sex, however how does this change sexual desire, it doesnt! its false to say that a ladies will become sexually aroused by you doing the dishes!!! as stated ladies have different levels of sexual drive the same as men, its both our job to find that healthy balance in partners. Lets not get confused about this its science. Sexual desires are unconditional and can not be changed.
A true realtionship is a two way street so if anyone partner is feeling rejected then its simply is not going to be healthy and this comes down to sexual drive levels between both. What i mean is some men are low and some women are low, these would be a great example for the perfect relationship because they would be equally forfilled. So truth at the begining of the relationship eg: my sex drive is low, is very important in finding the right partner. The only way this can be changed is if we had a safe way to change or levels of sexual drive. Please dont get confused about this thread its all down to science not excuses.!!!!! Dr Karl
I would also like to fix the previous comment about women, not excluding men being insecure in a long standing realtionship. Why is it that they are still insecure and they are still in a realtionship. I feel that because they are insecure they are somewhat trapped in a relationship they dont want to be in!!!! will the next realtion be worse? what will i loose if i end the relationship. These are thoughts from an insecure person.
Also there are realtionships that work where the variation of sex drive is extreme in partners, however they are aware that its the different sex drives that play the part, thus no one person is to blame, leaving nobody manipulated into a false belief. I will argue my comments until im in a wooden box. Dr Karl
PS: Ive been married for 14 years and my sex drive is so high its almost alien like and my wifes is low. Most marrage break ups are from a lack of knowledge around levels of sex drive. We are all different and that is what makes the world exciting being the hunter or hunted male or female. Dr Karl
PS: problems are only fixed or understood if we look at the root of the problem. Question, is it a problem to have one hunter and the other hunted. No it isnt because opposites always attract. If you were both the same it would be boring because you would have nothing to talk about. This is what nature intended and we all need to be aware of this so we do not get confused.
PS: if you were wondering the hunter is the one with the bigger sex drive. Dr Karl
PLease dont pigeon hole Male and Female and if you are going to write something make sure it has contstrutive substance for the benefit of the reader who has the concern, after all we want to help not confuse will creativity. If have read my blogs and you trust, then you are healed. Quote: Somethings cant be changed just understood. Dr Karl (someone who really cares).
In a Perfect Environment, happines to the fullest level would be reached: Affection galore! Sesual wildcat! I love you more than you love me! Assuming we were intelligent enought to make everything perfect, we would live to the highest contentment possible. But we do things we really shouldn't do in the first place. We mary people because they seem to be the best possible at the time; right after "I do", we know it's" I don't". The wish to have children fulfilled, the need to have sex with that ape becomes unnecessary.
A lot of good points and observations. I'm 47, been married for 17 years and I have always been into "emotional sex" instead of just physical. If I can tell my wife isn't in the mood then I'm better off not pursuing. I hate feeling like sex is just another chore and after all this time I can tell when her intentions are genuine.
Bottom-line, Men want women, who want them sexually. If a man isn't getting fulfilled, then he will look to pornography for his sexual fulfillment, thus, causing an even bigger problem. Women your rejection of sex will either encourage him to pursue you, or to look into pornography. In conclusion, are you willing to take that risk?
Im sorry but I dont agree with this, to me women are lazy when it comes to sex. They say know becuase the just would rather sleep. That lame... Im pissed my wife has been giving the im tired excuse for 10 years. I dont want sex just becuase she feels obligated. Sorry women but everything ou want just is way too much, I want to be kissed caressed i want to be made love to. I dont want this I dont like that. The kids the laundry the pizza i ate. I feel fat Its not you. Listen if its your man just tell him. If he does not rock your world these lame excuses will never make it better. Also a lot of women blame their men for performance issues. Well I went out with a girl who was addicted to sex. I should have married her. She made sex so much fun there were no worries about performance. Maybe my sex life with my wife sucks. Well its her fault. She lies there and does nothing. She thinks i have to do everything. To be honest shes hot as hell but sex with her sucks. I get off but there is nothing better then having sex with a girl who is into it. So to all you women out there that are bitching about house work and being tired and blah blah blah. If your husband cheats on you then you will find the time to bitch and yell at him. well just give in and try to bitching about life issues. Sex is fun. Or should be. Im so sick of women calling the shots. If my wife says no to me one more time i'm going to find a girl at work and go get a room and have some fun. Im not going to feel guilty because my wife who I do love is lazy or has issues becuase she feels fat it the laundry isn't done. How much time do they need. To all you men getting the same lack of interest and the same line of BS from your wife. Well watch how they spend the time getting ready for work, It takes hours. So they will do that but they wont give you the time. Screw that. I know that a lot of men are agreeing with me. Give them a chance but i have lost 1o good years of my life and Im so mad about it. I tried everything and im done. I have been giving her a lot of hints. Im writing things down and dating them on my Pc. So when she does catch me Im going to pull it out and show here how patetic she is. I should have stayed with that girl who was addidted to sex. All guys before ou get locked in or out I should say. If your about to get married and your girl is coming up with any excusese dont get married. Find yourself someon that loves sex and makes it a proirty. Sorry but half the problem is men let there wives dicate what hey want. for the first few years I woulld try to kiss and hold her and tell her she bsutoful and pla with her and work her up and yes she was into it. However why should it always be me. Im done. She has one more chance this weekend and if she gives me that crap about not tonight. Fine Im going in to work on monday and I have ab few girls that i know will go to luch withme and by day two I will be all over them. When I get home ill kiss my wife and she can have her way. Ill be happy and so will she. If she catches me Ill pull out my list and tell her I did my best. I tried getting close to you but you said no 400 times and 98 % of the time you say no.and sorry Im a man I need it...
I think all men should become he whores or just marry many women for different reasons then... so whats the point if my wife you can give the child so much attention the whole day, but an act of 30 minutes or less becomes a big issue..come on please spare me the BS.... women need to get off child node and switch to wife mode when hubby comes back home... A woman should never complain when a man leaves her if she always stressed, what about your man, what if he got a big promotion or if he just won the lottery (unlikely coz of the recession), but just hypothetically speaking. How hard can it be especially when all women brag that they can multitask....
Come on guys! If you don't love your woman enough to respect and understand your differences than you don't deserve a loving relationship and will never have one because after you leave your wife and find a new girl you will eventually end up treating her the same way and she will respond like all women. The fact is that you will end up a big male whore who goes fro girl to girl believing they love you but it won't last. Maybe you should get your eyes and head out of the glorified gutter and learn how to respect and listen to what women ALL want and need...Or just be gay.
Calystazura 2 years ago
Completely true! I may have to get my fiance to read this! lol